BIG TIPS

JULY 7, 1995 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

What are the limits to parenting a housemate's child?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Hey, gang. I hope you all had a great Pride. I enjoyed the march, as per usual, and once again, the damp hanky award goes to the P-FLAG contingent: “They (sniff) love their gay (lesbian, bisexual, transgendered) children... Bawww!" These "band parents" to our community always seem to resonate with anyone whose own parents didn't leap up and cut a rug over The News. I think they should acknowledge their tear-duct impact and have a float next year: a flatbed with a huge papier mâché box of Kleenex, and they can pass tissues out to the crowd. What do you think?

Dear Big Tipper,

I have a non-traditional family question for you. I recently chose to move into a group house with my dear friend Alan and his fiveyear-old son, Alex. Alan and I are not lovers, but I spend a lot of time with the two of them, and take care of Alex frequently since Alan's a single parent, and I love hanging out with the kid anyway. The problem comes up when I feel that Alan isn't being consistent enough with Alex, or makes parenting decisions that I don't understand, or that I out and out disagree with. I've been biting my tongue, because ultimately Alan is the parent, but it's very frustrating. I feel like I have a real role in Alex's life, but I'm not quite sure what the boundaries of the role are. I don't want my misgivings to change my friendships with either of them. What would you suggest?

Dear Doubting The Dad,

Uncle Camillo

Well, first off, your home isn't a nontraditional as it might have been 40 years ago. Families are taking on much less linear

structures with the increase of single-parent households, families with two moms or two dads, two moms and two dads, etc. Something that's familiar to so many queer adults is the way we construct our own extended families from our friends, since our biological families may not be supportive, or at the least, may be far away. These new families are more and more likely to include children these days, as more G-L-B-T parents get custody of their kids from previous marriages, adopt, care for foster children, or squeeze 'em out fresh.

Your friend loves you and trusts you with his son, so I'm sure he would be open to chatting periodically about how and why he makes the parenting decisions he does. As a single parent, no matter what the fantasies may be about consistency, I'm sure he's exhausted, and come the end of the day he just wants to spend time with Alex with as few fights as possible. This can be where your assistance and support are especially welcome.

Parents seem not to be as strict with their kids now as they were when we were morsels; bedtimes are later, the clean-plate club has been disbanded (thank you, baby Jesus), and this greater flexibility doesn't necessarily mean that all sense of order has gone to hell in a handbasket. There are several good parenting magazines out there: you might want to get one for the house. For example, a subscription to Sesame Street magazine comes with an excellent parents' supplement. You can pick up some good info, and be consoled that just about everyone who lives with a child wigs out sometimes.

You have a unique relationship with Alex, in which you will create your own consistency. He should know that you'll always be loving towards him, that you'll treat him

with respect, you'll enforce family rules just like dad, and that you'll be there to play Legos with him when dad's had a lon-n-ng day. He's lucky to have a household full of folks who love him. Take care.

Dear Ms. Martone,

Happy Gay Pride! I just came home from the march, and it was great. I didn't even run into any bad ex's! I left something until the last minute in my outfit, though, and it was trouble the whole day. I was in dyke drag, so I wanted to "pack. "Istrapped on my favorite dildo, then pulled on my pants, and was horrified to see that I appeared to have a hard-on because the dil stuck out too much. So many women pack, how do they get it to lie down?

Dear Perky Pants,

Trouser Troubles

Ah, Pride. All those dreamy girls and boys and... what's not to get stiffy over? This is a quandary though, and points out (so to speak) how handy it is that actual penises rise to the occasion, then pack neatly for travel. Sporting an all-day woody probably also gave you fresh sympathy for all of those eighth-grade boys who have to stay facing the blackboard just a minute longer than necessary.

Possible solution? Some gals buy a separate dil for packing than they plan to use regularly for, you know. Silicone dils, which are better quality, are firmer than the massproduced "jelly" ones. If you want to pack silicone, pick one that's thinner and longer, and it'll be more flexible than a short thick one. The jellies, which come in a limited palette (black, Band-Aid, and cherry 7-Up pink) are cheaper and softer, and may be

thicker if you're buying an auxiliary member just to don when you're out and about.

Purists may scoff at this as a pose, as the point of packing is to be at the ready. You can, however, get some action with the softer dils. If the colors offend, you can dress 'em up with colored condoms. If you're not planning on whipping it out, Ms. All-Talk-NoAction, then go crazy. You can pack anything that will nestle pleasantly against your leg: a pair of socks, a rolled up washcloth, a ballpoint pen (for the modest). I'd avoid an unwrapped length of kielbasa, unless you really love it when animals sniff your crotch. Good luck.

Send questions to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland OH 44101; or e-mail to ChronOhio@aol.com (on America Online, just ChronOhio); or fax to 216-631-1082.

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